Yuuki and the terrors of NagiHog
by Bleeding Hearts Canina
Summary: Severe Yuuki bashing.


Ok guys and gals this was my attempt at mild humor and i know that i have failed miserabely so no need to flame me for that.

Standard disclaimer applies to all content used in this story including the characters(belonging to Matsuri Hino) except Nagisa and Rico. They're my personal creations and the names given here for Zero's parents in this story are not true. I simply used them because well I did need names for the kids.

Attention to all Yuuki lovers: This is definately not a story that you should read. Beyond this point lies Severe Yuuki bashing. Dont like dont read.

Characters are really OOC though this is my version of what Yuuki is actually on the inside(a bitch)

Lots of swearing and extensive use of certain words such as bitch etc.

* * *

Kaname's personal train raced along the countryside, columns of white steams folding out of the train as it travels on. The steam then twirls and spins into the air until it disappears in the blue sky, leaving just the clouds and the shining sun. I (Yuuki Kuran if you don't know, but I bet you do) remembered my brother praising the good weather as we travelled towards the Station. But I no longer cared that the sun was shining or that I would be starting my final year at high school. No I was sitting with my arms crossed staring at my sleeping friends. Correction, my fault, I meant, future husband and his beloved Golden Slut.

Zero, Nagisa and Rico had been up all last night at the Kuran Mansion celebrating the demise of The True Vampires. I had been there of course but I had gone to bed early because of a pounding headache and wanting a good start this morning. I was actually surprised Nagi didn't follow me up but continued dancing with Zero. _My_ Zero. Had they all forgotten who Zero declared his undying love to last year? Me! So why was he dancing with her, the girl who Rico clearly fancied and not me? Huh? How is that fair when I'm clearly the love of his life.

And now they're sitting together opposite me as Rico snores to my right. They're both leaning on each other, Nagi using him as a teddy bear. How desperate can you get? He clearly wants me. I pull my chocolate hair out of its pony-tail and take out my pocket mirror and I use my kit to alter my make-up. I look at my reflection, Zero is sure to ask me back out again now. I look like a goddess; I could be Yuuki, the beautiful goddess of fire. To match my hair and eyes of course. And what would Nagisa be? Sure she's sort of pretty but with that ugly mop of raven hair and snotty attitude she's bound to be my servant. And Zero shall be my husband forever. So she should stop being so clingy.

I've loved Zero even before I met him! Surely that's enough proof that we're perfect for each other! He's just confused because of the war and me finally showing my true(utterly gorgeous) form; he'll shake her off eventually and give her back to Rico. But Rico doesn't seem to care about Nagi trying to steal my Zero from me. In fact he keeps nudging Takuma and Senri when they're together and pointing at them while sniggering. He's probably just laughing because Nagi's being so desperate. He probably doesn't even want her anymore. Not that I can blame him.

Everyone keeps making hurtful jokes about Zero and Nagi. Like whenever they leave a room together people yell, "Be safe!" or, "Make sure I'm the godparent!" People have started rumors about how Nagi and Zero are dating secretly. But that's ridiculous because he's going to date me soon.

I'm watching them again, and Zero's murmuring in his sleep. He's so adorable when he does that, I bet he's dreaming about me. Who wouldn't? I bet he's dreaming about my boobs. They're so big. I bet he wants to jiggle them, Aidou always liked jiggling them. He called them his jiggle bells. Aidou is such a sweetheart.

I've decided I can't waste any more time worrying about when Zero will jiggle my boobs because it will give me frown lines. So I've decided to compare myself with Nagisa as she sleeps on my Zero. This cheers me up immensely because she could never match up to me. Why do I even worry about Zero and his little distractions? Or should I say whores. *cough* Maria Kurenai *cough* Seiren *cough*. And now I'm pulling out my notepad and pen, I'm going to make a list. Off all the reasons why Nagisa cannot and should not date my Zero.

1) He's mine.

2) She doesn't know how to do her hair or apply make-up properly.

3) She reads too much she's going to strain her eyes

4) She's not pretty enough.

5) She's over emotional. I mean did you see her during the war, screaming and yelling when Zero was facing that Elder. Pathetic. You could see he was doing just fine.

6) I'm clearly better than her.

7) I've got better boobs.

8) I'm not a virgin.

And then I hear little whispers coming from opposite me. I shoot daggers at Nagisa. They're both awake now, bending their heads together murmuring to each other, their lips are nearly touching. I can almost feel the repulsion radiating off Zero. That's my man. But I can't seem to draw my eyes away from the two of them. It's like Zero doesn't realize I'm sitting here. I mean it is me who he loves. Boys, so freaking unreliable.

I return to my list.

Nagisa and I secretly know we hate each other, even without saying it I can tell she hates me and knows I hate her back. We put on this silly show for the rest of the world so people don't get involved. We all know they'd take my side, who would side with a troll like her? Not me! It's annoying how well she acts all friendly though. It's almost as if she thinks we're friends. But I know she can't be _that_ stupid. Even if she's stupid enough to try and steal my future husband away from me.

If only you could see them now, stroking each other's thumbs as they grip each other's hands. Nagisa is such a bitch and poor Zero is too nice to tell her he hates her. Bless. It's almost laughable. Most people would ask me why I haven't evaporated Nagisa into gas by now, but I must be the mature one because I know that by the end of the week Zero and I will be shagging like bunnies. Or whatever the stupid phrase might be.

But honestly why would any guy prefer her over me? I mean just look at my list! If they like her for her blue eyes, you could find prettier red eyes in mine. So I honestly don't see what else you'd like about her.

I think about Nagisa too much. She's ruining my inner tranquility and harmony. Let's get back to thinking about Zero touching my boobs. Ah, that's better. And not one thought about stinky bush-haired trolls. Darn it. Zero. Boobs. Touching. Not. Nagisa. Zero. Zero. Nagisa. Boobs. Bouncy. Boobs. Jiggle. Bitch. Zero. Zero. Zero. Bitch. Zero. Zero. NOT NAGISA.

Fuck this is harder than you think. I mean what reason I have about thinking of that pain-in-ass cockroach. Other than the fact she's slutting all over my boyfriend (nearly). I need a good shag to get Nagisa off my mind…

"Oh Aidou! I hear some bells ringing for you!"

Aidou now looks like I've just handed him all the money in the world. It's a good thing I've got a low self-esteem(author: insert sarcasm here) or all these guys falling over me would really make me conceited.

Yeah, Aidou always relaxed me. If this is some guy I don't care about, just think about when I have sex with Zero next month. And he'd be all turned on when he finds out I'm not a virgin and be all sexy with his awesome hair falling over his lavender eyes. Yummy, makes my mouth water.

I bet he's awesome in bed.

"Ginny!" Oh. It's Queen of the Fugly Demons.

"Nagisa!" I saw in my sweetest voice, "How are you this morning? Looking forward to classes?"

She nods fanatically. Can't she see guys don't dig brains? Zero's staring at her with his mouth slightly open like he's been hit over the head with a boulder. I know Zero, she's annoying right."It's my final year! I can't believe it. I honestly thought we were dying during that battle in July… Well I thought one of us defiantly wasn't going to be there." She moves her gaze to Zero, her expression overflowing with sadness. I wonder how long she practiced that in the mirror last night. But to my horror he takes her hand over the table, she immediately relaxes. Bitch-faced whore she thinks she can really play this game. I'm going to be so mature about this. I'm not even going to give a reaction.

Okay, maybe I spat in her food a few minutes ago but that's not the point.

"Hey Yu-Chan," says Aidou, failing to do a sexy purr and it sounds like he's choking whilst having a tongue spasm.

"Oh, swallow some attitude, you son of a bitch," I shoot back.

He looks startled at my sudden aggression, "But sugar lips-"

"What kind of nickname is that?"

"I thought we had fun last night," he purred. Meredith, I wish he would stop doing that.

I smile wickedly, men always find this sexy, "Oh I had fun, baby. But that doesn't mean you're any fun." He frowns and moves away. Thank the Lord.

"What was that about?" my idiot of a brother asks suspiciously.

"Aidou was being a prat," I reply annoyed that it wasn't Zero worrying why I was talking to Aidou. He was probably playing it cool, didn't want to hurt Nagisa the jackdaw's feelings. Sometimes having such a considerate soon-to-be-boyfriend is slightly annoying. But I love him anyway. And I'll love him even more when he's doing dirty thing to me in bed. I bet he tastes awesome.

I sent a smirk at Nagisa when she isn't looking. She won't know what hit her. So she can stop bloody touching up Zero's knuckles now. I wonder if she can feel my death glare. I squint harder.

Zero looks over at me. Yes! "Yuuki? Do you have something in your eye?"

I let my face slacken; I can feel the heat rushing into my cheeks. I smile at him, "Yeah. My eye really hurts." I put on my cutest pout.

"You should see if they have anything in the Nurse's office for that or something," he says before turning back to Nagisa. My mouth falls open, just because he wants to surprise everyone with us getting back together doesn't mean he has to act like he doesn't care!

Someone slid beside me, "Hey sugar lips, I hear your eye is hurting. Can I help?"

"Shove off Aidou," I mutter.

I twirl my hair whilst looking down to where Zero was having an outdoor lesson of Nature Studies lesson. He was with Hermione again. Urghhhh. When is he going to let that freak know he's not interested?

Something hits my head. "OW!" I cry. The class turns to look at me, "Just stumped my toe." They turn back to the teacher. Honestly does no one care about me? No, that's a stupid thought. Everyone loves me; they just play cool because they all want me so bad. Especially Zero, I bet he has dreams about me.

I look for the thing that hit my head. It was a paper ball wrapped all. I unwrap it (what do you expect me to do, shag it?).

_I hear you're a good shag._

_Kaito_

I look over at Kaito. He's trying to look sexy. Remind me to hex him later.

Zero and Nagi-Hog are missing. No one's seen them for two hours. I know what they're doing but I'm not going to tell anyone. I'm being nice to Sanzenin(Nagisa) by not telling anyone that Zero's sat her down for a long talk about how she's got to stop stalking him all the time and how he's madly in love with me and not with her. And how he finds it a bit creepy how obsessed she is with him. I mean all she does it talk about him. At least_ I_ don't do that._ I_ just think about him all the time. Much more decent.

But I'm going to go find them; I'm sure Zero might need my help when she breaks into hysterical tears and starts screaming and shit. _I'd_ never do anything like that if I found out Zero didn't love me. These hallways are awfully boring. I need a song….

"Zerrrrrrooooo luuuuvs meee! Oh yeaahh he doesss! Zerrrrrooooo luuuuvs meee! Forever and forever! Unntiiiil death do usss parrrrrt! Zerrrrrrooooo luuuuvs meee! OOOOOHHH YEEAAAHHH!"

I'm so good at singing. I should be famous. Nagi the Hair-Monster isn't going to famous. Comparing her to me makes me feel so good about myself.

I'm listening out for Nagisa being immature, screaming, crying and throwing things. I poke my head into several classrooms. Nada. There's only one left in the corridor, I'm going to give up after this one. Zero can fend for himself.

I open the door, "Oh Zero! Are you in-" My voice fails me as I see a horrible sight. They were kissing.

I'm screaming. I'm crying. I'm pretty sure I just threw a chair. "Zero how could you! I trusted you! I loved you! And you went off with _her _just before we were going to get back together! You were meant to play with my jiggle bells-"

"Her _what_?"

"-You know I planned our wedding since I was _eight_! _Eight_! That's a long time to stay loyal to you! Sure I had a few boyfriends, but that's nothing compared to you going off with her! I made a sculpture of you out of flowers when I was twelve! I still have it up in my room!"

"I told you it looked like you," the demon from hell whispered. Zero was staring at me with his mouth open.

"I even picked you your engagement ring for when we get married! Did I mention I planned our wedding since I was _eight_! Even before I met you I knew we were meant to be! That's love Zero! I knew everything about you! That's love! We're going to have three kids! Rihan after your father! Ichiru after your brother! And Ayumi after your mother! I LOVE YOU! Now I'm going to give you a choice here. Forget this little accident with the lip-locking with _her_ and come marry me or stay with _that_."

"Yuuki….…" Here it was coming. He was going to fall on his knees begging for forgiveness. I'll hesitate before saying 'I can never stay mad at you.' And he'll have sex with me then and there right in front of The Slut.

"Yeah Zero," I say, sad and breathless.

"I've been fucking Nagisa for six months now."

My mouth falls open, "But I made a _list_!"


End file.
